


Fate

by Social_Cocoon



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Gen, Mention of attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 18:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11236521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Social_Cocoon/pseuds/Social_Cocoon
Summary: In which Zehs and Lydia have a talk about fate.





	Fate

“Zehs? What are you doing up so late?” Lydia asked as she stepped into her thane’s bedroom. She had woken up a short while ago and, while on her way to grab a midnight snack, noticed that candlelight was still flickering in Zehs’ room, and so had gone to investigate. She paused to let out a large yawn before speaking again. “Bad dreams?”

Zehs shook her head but did not look away from the window. She sat beside it, legs crossed and chin in hand. A half-finished cup of tea was on the little table in front of her. It had gone cold long ago.

“I’ve been thinking,” she murmured, staring out at the night sky. “I’ve figured it out, why it’s taken so long…”

“What’s taken so long?” When she didn’t reply, Lydia asked again. “What’s taken so long, Zehs?”

Finally Zehs acknowledged her, turning away from the window and giving Lydia her full attention. She gestured for Lydia to sit in the empty chair at the other end of the table.

“What is it?” Lydia asked again.

Zehs waved her hand as if it should have been obvious. “Alduin. The destruction of Tamriel, or at the very least Skyrim. It’s been over a year since dragons began returning, hasn’t it? Longer? Don’t you think a dragon bent on taking over Skyrim would have done so by now, or at the very least been well on his way to it?”

Lydia paused, then slowly nodded. “I suppose so, yes.”

“But he hasn’t. Have you ever wondered why that is?”

Again Lydia hesitated. Zehs watched slow realization dawn on her face. “I…no, I haven’t…”

Zehs’ eyes lit up, though otherwise her face remained impassive as ever. She placed her hand flat on the table and leaned towards Lydia. “Even though you’ve traveled with me and been my housecarl for so long, even though you’ve witnessed me use the Thu’um so many times, even though you’ve heard so many people call me ‘Dragonborn’, you’ve never thought about it, have you? The reason I, the Dragonbown, just happen to be in Skyrim at this very moment.”

“No. I think…I think I honestly might have forgotten that reason, somewhere along the way.” Lydia blinked, obviously confused. “How did I forget that…?” she added in a whisper.

“Doesn’t it seem strange?” Zehs asked quietly. Though she was looking at Lydia, her eyes held a faraway gaze. “Even when everyone goes on about dragons returning to Skyrim, we don’t see as many as there would be – should be. You’d think they’d be more of a problem than they really are, and that they’d come looking for us – or, at least me – rather than the other way around.” She paused, letting Lydia think over what she’d said.

“Why has it taken so long, then?”

And there they were, getting to the root of it all. “Because of me. Or…” Her face darkened, the light in her eyes snuffing out. She frowned at the table as if it were the most disgusting thing in Skyrim. “Fate.”

“Fate?” Lydia repeated.

Zehs shook her head and huffed. “Fate or destiny or whatever you’d like to call it. Mine in particular. Because I’m the almighty Dragonborn, destined to slay Alduin and return Skyrim to peace – frail thing that it is. And right now? I’m not trying to kill him. I don’t even want to.”

She looked up to see if Lydia had any reaction and was not disappointed. Though Lydia tried her best to hide her expression, Zehs still caught the slight furrow of her brow and brief purse of her lips. Not that she really cared what Lydia thought. It was the truth, and if put in her position, Lydia would have thought the same. Anyone would. Going out and killing dragons was for gloryseekers and fools, often one in the same. When given the daunting task of killing the dragon and saving the world, who wouldn’t chafe? Who wouldn’t think to themselves that they’d want to do anything but? If they didn’t they were a greater fool than most and would surely piss themselves when face-to-face with the reality of it. She’d save these words for anyone who openly disagreed, but Lydia knew her enough by now to not care to argue. Perhaps Lydia could take pity as well. Not that Zehs wanted it, she hated being pitied, but pity caused people to try and empathize, and empathy kept them from making stupid arguments.

Zehs continued. “That’s what this is. I’m not doing anything towards the end goal of fighting and defeating Alduin. I’m here in Whiterun, screwing around in factions upon factions, and I’m studying at the College, and I’m making plans to join the Stormcloaks, and I’m doing small things for small people. I’ve delved into ruins upon ruins and caves upon caves. I’ve traveled to every city hundreds of times over. By my destiny’s standards I’ve been wasting time, don’t you think? Doing all this is nothing in the greater scheme of things. It’s stalling. And I know it. I didn’t know until a while ago, but it’s all I’ve ever been doing.”

“Are you afraid to fight Alduin, then?” Lydia asked. Zehs shook her head.

“No. Not at all.”

“But you don’t want to?”

“Yes. For different reasons than being afraid,” she muttered.

Zehs sighed and shook her head again, leaning back in her chair. She gestured to Lydia. “Think about it. I’m supposed to fight him. Even if I am stalling, Fate ought to push me to it eventually, right? But it hasn’t. And you’ve forgotten about it. No one has once scolded me for never facing him all this time. Why?”

“Because of you. That’s what you said.”

“Right. Because Fate favors me, so it’s letting me do all these things and continue to stall for time for as long as I like. Or, maybe not that, but long enough. Nothing is going to move forward until I make it. So long as I don’t, Skyrim will stay as it is.”

This time Lydia didn’t bother to hide that she thought Zehs was full of shit, but she at least kept her lips sealed.

“Do you remember that woman Delphine?” Zehs asked, then immediately shook her head. “No, probably not. It was a long time ago. She was the one who took the horn of Jurgen Windcaller and left a note in its place telling me to meet her at the inn in Riverwood. When I did, she told me that she believed Alduin was raising dragons from burial sites, that there was a pattern to it. She thought the next dragon to be revived would be in Kynesgrove and asked me to meet her there. I’ve never gone. I’ve avoided it, actually. Not intentionally, or at least it wasn’t that way at first. I had other stuff to deal with and I forgot, but even then I always felt like I wanted to avoid Kynesgrove at all costs.

“It’s been almost a year since then, maybe longer. I’ve been to Riverwood many times since and no one has mentioned anything about their innkeeper being gone for so long. She hasn’t tried contacting me, either, or returned to Riverwood. I’ve never even heard anything about Kynesgrove being attacked by a dragon. Why else would this be if not because Fate is making the world wait for me?”

Lydia still looked skeptical, but she couldn’t be blamed. There were obvious answers to those mysteries: Delphine had died or gotten horribly lost or plain disappeared off the face of Tamriel, and as for the dragons? Her information was simply wrong. Zehs was certain, however, that it wasn’t any of those things. If they went to Kynesgrove at that moment, they’d find Delphine waiting in one piece. She knew they would.

“Control of Fate, hm?” Lydia said in a voice dripping with sarcasm. “That’s quite powerful.”

Zehs snorted, rolling her eyes. “It’s unfortunate. And I don’t control it in the slightest. But! It gets even worse: I can’t die.”

A doubtful laugh exploded from Lydia. “You can’t die? I think that’s a little much.”

“I do, too, but it’s true. Think about it – I’ve been stupid and reckless a lot of times. I should have died a lot of times. I’ve had more than enough people sent after me, thugs and assassins and the like. Thalmor, draugr, falmer, so on and so on. I’ve faced a dragon by myself and did not die. Even when my –” Zehs cut off abruptly, her mouth hung open mid-sentence. Her expression hardened then, and whatever she meant to say was lost behind tightly shut lips. Lydia guessed it was something to do with her past. That was the only thing she’d get so upset and tight-lipped over, after all.

“Luck, then?” Lydia suggested with a shrug, hoping to move away from whatever thoughts had darkened Zehs’ mood. “Incredible luck.”

“No, it’s Fate. I cannot die and I know it,” Zehs huffed. “Here: I went to a dwemer ruin once on my own. Stupid in itself. When I went there, I should have died. I knew I should have. I’d been careless and gotten ambushed by one of the centurions. It managed to get me within an inch of my life, and then as it was about to deliver the killing blow – it stopped. I watched it freeze, its arm right above me, ready to crush me…and then I watched it stand up and walk away. Why would it matter then, do you think? The thing had already broken an arm and a leg and a few ribs. Why would it stop just shy of turning me into a bloody smear on the stone unless it wasn’t meant to? Even still, I should have bled out. I didn’t have the strength to reach my bag and patch myself up, or to perform any sort of magic. I didn’t have any strength at all. If it wasn’t going to kill me, I should have died like that. But I didn’t. And even then, something else should have come along to kill me, deep in the ruins as I was. A smaller contraption or a falmer that would stumble over my body and decide that since I was alive and obviously didn’t belong, I should die. But nothing came. I woke up days later recovered enough to treat my wounds – somehow avoiding deadly infection in that place – and after resting some more I managed to hobble out of the ruins and to the nearest inn. Even through all that, I didn’t run into anything, not in the ruins or in the wild. Don’t you think that’s odd?”

Lydia took a moment to think, then slowly nodded. “More than incredible luck, I suppose,” she mumbled. Still not entirely convinced. That was fine. It had taken Zehs a while to warm up to the idea as well.

“Right. So, I can’t die. Not until Alduin is dead first, anyway.”

And there was more. She wouldn’t tell Lydia, but after that experience she had to be sure. So, she’d tested it out that her life was not her own by trying to take it. Closing her eyes, she remembered the smell of sea salt, the sound of waves against jagged rocks, the feeling of endless falling…and then she remembered waking up in someone’s house, bloody and broken but alive. She knew then that she could not die. Not because she had some mystic ability to do so, but because she had a clear purpose for being alive, and until she’d done that she would not be able to die. It was annoying to say the least.

“But then, why don’t you go and face him right now?” Lydia asked, breaking Zehs from her thoughts. She was frustrated now. “You’ve said that you’re destined to defeat him, and that Fate favors you, and you can’t die until he’s out of the way. If that’s all true, you’d defeat him if you fought him right now, wouldn’t you? Because you’re meant to, so you absolutely will.”

Zehs shrugged. “Maybe.”

“So why don’t you?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Why not? If you’re so against it, why not get it over with? Are you just trying to hold on to this invincibility?”

“No! I don’t even want it! Fate can take it for all I fucking care,” Zehs snapped. This made Lydia pause and give her a curious look, but before she could say anything Zehs stood from her seat. Her foul mood was practically radiating from her body. It made goosebumps rise on Lydia’s skin. That, and the glare Zehs was giving her. “I said what I meant to,” Zehs said coolly.

She was being dismissed. Lydia nodded and took her leave, sending wishes of restful sleep over her shoulder and nothing more.

Once Zehs heard the sound of Lydia’s bedroom door close, she blew out the candles in her room and returned to her seat, staring out at the stars just as before.

She knew that what Lydia said was probably true. She was meant to defeat Alduin, so it would happen. If not, there was no reason for her to be alive now when she could have and should have died so many times in the past. Beyond her being the Dragonborn and thus a serious threat, Alduin would gain nothing from killing her. Or, at least nothing she could think of. Her death would be insignificant, just one of many, only being made a little special because of what she was. Still, it would be forgotten in no time after the novelty of bragging rights had worn itself out. In that case, why be the Dragonborn at all? Why not die as nameless as all the others?

No. In the end she’d be the victor. She could go out today or tomorrow and that would be the result. Even if he did win a single battle, he wouldn’t be able to kill her. She’d get away somehow and come right back, and if he beat her again she’d just get up and come back again and again until she won. That’s how it was meant to be. Did he know it, too?

Most of the reason she didn’t go and get this over with now was out of pure spite. Fate had taken control of her life before she’d even been born. She’d even say that her entire existence was the work of Fate, and without Alduin threatening the world there would have been no need for her to have ever been born. Even still, she tried to take control back. She tried to pretend that she’d ever had it in the first place and that her life was her own now, going against what she was supposed to be doing and instead getting herself mixed in every single problem in Skyrim. ‘Pretend’ being the key word. Even now it was out of her control. She knew that. She’d go and fight Alduin eventually, it was just a matter of when she finally got tired of wasting time, or when there was nothing else for her to do, or when she could no longer fight the power that would compel her to go searching for him. But Fate was just playing along for now, letting her go against it for as long as she wanted and keeping everything else frozen and keeping her alive so she could fool around day after day. How generous.

Most people would be elated to know that they couldn’t die. Not Zehs, not at all. Not in this way where she wouldn’t die if she wanted to. Not when she couldn’t die because her own life and body were not allowed to be hers. She wanted to be free of that control. She wanted to not be able to die because she was just that good, not because she was a tool. And what happened when tools had served their purpose? They were discarded. After Alduin was gone, who cared about her? Certainly not Fate. She could die freely. It was what she wanted, yes, but it was also infuriating to know that she was nothing more than something to be used.

But…maybe it would be best to get things over with so Fate could get its fingers out of everything she did and so she could be, in some sense, free. Perhaps tomorrow she would plan for Kynesgrove.

But of course, there was still so much left to do.

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as me trying to figure out an in-universe explanation for why months could go by without dragons popping up all over the place, then I decided to turn it into a one shot. Hope you enjoyed!


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